Thursday, December 04, 2008

Apple...Sauce. Applesauce!

Tonight I'm going to talk about applesauce.

Specifically, Mott's Applesauce.

And I'll bet a bushel of apples that if (when) my blog becomes ├╝ber-famous in the future, and advertisers are knocking down my firewall to peddle their products in front of the thousands...(oh, what the hell)...nay, the millions of daily readers at Ton-Fifty-ONE...Mott's will not be one of them.

I don't eat it often, but once in a while I get an appetite for applesauce. I don't have a favorite brand...or variety, if you will. So when I'm hungry for applesauce I go and peruse the shelves at the grocery store. Some are sweetened with cinnamon, some are natural, some are tart, and I'm sure there are plenty of other ways to eat it.

A couple days ago, I bought a jar of Mott's labeled, "Chunky." Probably wouldn't be my favorite variety, but worth a try, I thought.

Perhaps it was my jar and only my jar, but I am now under the impression that, in Mott's-speak, the term "chunky" is a marketing-friendly term meaning, "The apples used to make this product were not peeled, cored, or seeded. Eat at your own risk. Chew carefully. Thank you, and please purchase our products again." Because that would detract consumers from choosing the product in the stores.

In fairness, the 23-ounce jar didn't consist entirely of apple detritus. There was some applesauceyness in there as well. But there were too many instances where I had to stop and think as I was eating, "Those aren't apple chunks. That's not applesauce, either. That's... d) other."

The slogan on the jar says, "Hand-Picked Goodness." Gee, hand-picked is really swell, but how about some processed goodness, too, please!

Even with the unique and unwelcome textures in my jar of applesauce, I had no qualms about giving Mott's another try...probably a different variety, but one bad apple (heh) didn't spoil the bunch. Just that jar.

I changed my tune, though, when I went to the Mott's website tonight, and found that they spell it, "apple sauce." Then I looked on the jar, and...yep. "Apple sauce."

They try a clever trick on the front of the label, and stack the words on top of each other:

Uh-uh. Nope. Noooo thank you. It's "applesauce"! Webster says so. I say so. The weird applesauce superhero lady in the strange graphic that I couldn't resist adding to this entry says so. Good enough for me.

It's not, "Squish, squash, apple sauce!"

It's, "Squish, squash, applesauce!"

(Similar to another of my pet peeves: it's not "waste water," it's "wastewater"!!)

So now I'll be forced to study the labels even more closely the next time I'm hungry for applesauce, and not only stay away from the chunky varieties for the foreseeable future, but also disregard all brands that aren't on board with compound word usage. I'm a little frightened, actually, that I may not find one that meets the nitpicky standards of a grammar geek.

And if no applesauces exist on the store shelves, I'll have to squish squash my own apples...peelings, cores, seeds, stems and all.

Because, Mott's?


"Life is not orderly. No matter how
we try to make it so, right in the middle
of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love,
drop a jar of applesauce."
—Natalie Goldberg


  1. All right, here we go.......

    1) My mother used to make (read: make) apple...........sauce (just kidding, applesauce). She'd can it in those pickle jars (if you're from the Lakeshore, you know...). It didn't taste very good at all (read: crap). Thus, i don't much care for applesauce and haven't had any variety for about 25 years.

    2) I just got home from watching (read: drinking) the Chargers kick the crap out of the Raiders.

    3) Taking into account number one, i have never felt the need to read anything applesauce related to see what happened next as quickly as i did this post (read: way to freak'n grab your audience by the neck and get their attention) (read squared: I know you're a good writer, but this took skills...i mean for da-ka-riced, it's applesauce).

    4) Excellent use of the female Ninja applesauce advocate pic.

    5) Wasn't Natalie Goldberg the fat ugly chick from Facts Of Life....I was more of a Jo girl... Sure, you all want to say Blair (who was hot), but Jo was that brunette-tomboy-trouble-making girl your parents wanted you to stay away from.

  2. Do you have a stand on catsup vs. ketchup?

  3. TheKid...My mom used to make applesauce, too, and sometimes still does, I think. Hers was/is sweetened, and very good (also...sans detritus).

    Tab...Seeing as how it's one of my favorite foods (not condiments...foods), I most certainly do have a stance on catsup vs. ketchup.

    Say we're at a diner having a casual lunch, and you've got a small order of french fries, and you turn to me...even if it's your nicest, sweetest, politest voice...and say, "Gregg, would you please pass the catsup?"...'ll be waiting a long, long time. Or eating naked fries.

    (Also: Heinz..ketchup..only, if I'm the one buying it.)