Dubya Is The Bestest President Ever!

George W. Bush wants to be my friend. He wants to be all our friends, really.

So much so, that he and Congress have expedited a bill that is going to send us all free money. Everybody cheer..."Hooray for free money!!"

Supposedly it's to stimulate the economy, but I think he's just trying to pull his approval rating up to something that doesn't include a zero and a decimal point.

Here are a few ways I'm considering using all the fabulous money that my new bestest friend is going to put in my mailbox in a couple months:

• Put a down payment on a house. (a doll house.)
• Kick start my travel plans to New Mexico...or The Keys...or a small tropical island with umbrellas in the drinks...or pretty much anywhere that's not Wisconsin.
• Buy beer. (duh.)
• Spend $599.50 to rent an airplane to fly over the White House with a banner trailing behind it that says, "Stimulate THIS!" (I mean...uh..."Thanks, Dubya!") Spend the other 50¢ on a Diet Dew from the vending machine across the street.
• Start paying for haircuts, rather than just letting my hair grow until I'm annoyed with it and then zipping it off with a clippers.
• Cash my check when I get it, and stuff the hundred-dollar bills under my mattress, so that I'm completely to blame when Bush's economic stimulus package does nothing to pull the country out of this recession that we may or may not be in or heading for or getting close to or at least discussing on the cable news networks.

Actually...my rebate check is already earmarked (Earmarks? I thought John McCain was going to reject every..single..one of those.) for...tires for my car. How sexy is that! Not a week's vacation to a place where I can get a tan, or a wheelbarrow full of Milky Way bars, or funding for a time machine so that I never ever have to turn 40.

Nope. Tires.

I can hardly wait to go shopping.

"The best way to keep children at home
is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere,
and let the air out of the tires."
—Dorothy Parker