Friday, November 09, 2007

...And A Side Order Of Indigestion

I hate drive-thrus.
(no, that's not me. —>)

Not because if there are more than three cars in line, you'll usually crawl at a snail's pace up to the squawk box to place your order; not because about 74 percent of the time, they get your order wrong!!; not even because of the cutesy way they spell "thru."

I hate drive-thrus because my car tends to drive through them more often than I'd like it to.

I think maybe I need to get a more health-conscious, cooperative car. I'll be driving home from somewhere, and I'll pat him on the dashboard and say, "OK, Jarvis (my car's name is Jarvis, by the way)...let's go home and have a nice salad with alfalfa sprouts, or maybe three ounces of baked fish and a piece of fresh fruit."

And Jarvis revs his engine, takes over the controls and blurts out through the stereo speakers, "Me want french fries! Me want cheeeeseburger!!" (Jarvis is also, apparently, from the Neanderthal Era.) (what, did you expect a British accent or something? He's a freakin' Pontiac!)

A couple years ago I saw the documentary, "Super Size Me," which I highly recommend if you want to be informed and grossed out about the fast food industry. It's about a New Yorker named Morgan Spurlock who decided to eat nothing but McDonald's food for an entire month and document his health throughout.

Let's just say it didn't go too well. He began the first day as a pretty fit physical specimen, and by the end of the month, he'd packed on 25 pounds and seen his cholesterol rise 65 points. All in the name of filmmaking, I guess, huh?

After I saw the movie, I was challenged by the friend who recommended it to me to go without fast food for 30 days. (I wonder which is more fast food for 30 days or blogging every day for 30 days. hmmm.)

For the record, it was an easy month. I didn't cheat, I didn't cave, I didn't go crazy for want of a Big Mac. But the idea was to eventually quit, and not go back to it. And I didn't exactly rush to a Burger King on Day 31, but...I did find myself driving through a drive-thru again within a couple weeks.

And the first time I had McDonald's food, it was kinda disgusting.

I think I need one of those challenges again. It's not like I order my meals over an intercom seven days a week. But I am...familiar, shall we say...with the phrases, "Please drive forward," or "Please pull around."

If we can agree that chicken wings are, in fact, not fast food, then I think I might give it a go, and see if I can avoid McDonald's, Burger King, Taco Bell, etc., etc., until at least January 1.

So, NO! I would not like fries with that.

(Jarvis is gonna hate me.)

"At the end of this month, I'll have eaten
as much McDonald's as most nutritionists say
you're supposed to eight years."
—Morgan Spurlock


  1. About time you updated. Asshat.

    It sounds like Jarvis needs a good sound spanking.

    Lucky Jarvis.

  2. Are you stalking my blog??

    I just posted that like...NO minutes ago!...and here you are.


  3. I'm totally blog stalking this weekend.

    Normally I stalk people, but it's a little chilly out for that.


  4. Hey Sporkface! (heh heh)

    If you found Spurlock's flick disquieting, try Richard Linklater's Fast Food Nation. While not a GREAT movie by any standards, it will most certainly end your drive-thru habit in a little over 90 minutes. The film not only covers the obvious health decay issues but some serious morality issues as well, socio-economically speaking.

    Er, sporkface?

  5. All right, all right...this is not Pick On The Blog Author Hour here.

    I threatened once to pick up my blog and go home. Don't make me make good on my promise. I'm going to need this space as a distraction now that I won't be spending roughly two hundred and twenty-six hours a week waiting in drive-thru lines.

    Don't force me to go and, or something.

    Jeff, I'm gonna have to give that movie a view. I've heard of it, but never picked it up.

  6. Giving up fast food is really not that hard. After all, you did it without much trouble. I have gone many months (at various times in my life) without taking a bite of that non-food.

    But will I give it up completely? Never! Why? Because it tastes so fuckin' good. That's why!

    I know it's bad. I know it's unhealthy. But damn, those McDonald's fries. And damn, those Burger King onion rings. And the biggest damn of all - that $1.00 menu at McDonald's. That $1.00 menu is probably the worst virus ever given to us Americans. And yet it keeps calling us back for more. For a mere $3.00 I can get myself two McChicken sandwiches and a double cheeseburger. Call it a meal!

    As any health expert will tell you, if you're going to eat "bad" foods, do it in moderation. I for one have no intention of living the rest of my life without sinking my teeth into an Arby's roast beef sandwich, and dipping their fries into the horsey sauce. Who wants to never have another big beef burrito from Taco Bell? And Jesus, what about that Pizza Hut lunch buffet?

    Give me my vice in moderation. And hey, at least I don't drink coffee.

    Good luck on your vow of fast food chastity until 2008. But this Walrus believes you'll be hearing "$5.44 - please drive ahead" before February.

    And don't feel guilty about it!


  8. Wow.

    That's one way to win the fast food wars.

    Very Tarantino/Scorcese!

  9. Poor, unsuspecting, smiling Ronald.

    And did you see that? His insides are made out of ketchup!