Sunday, January 14, 2007

Get It While It's...Disgusting.

So, we’ve got one of these in the neighborhood now. Well, not exactly in the neighborhood, but about 10 miles down the road. Close enough.

This doesn’t affect me all too seriously, because I may be the only person in the country who’s never been in a Starbucks. But I realize that its presence has increased our area's hip-and-trendy quotient by a factor of at least…one.

I’ve never been a coffee drinker, and I don’t see myself becoming a coffee drinker. When someone takes a sip of coffee and I hear them say, “Mmm, that’s good coffee,” it translates for me into, “Mmm, that’s a good cup of hot, liquid dirt.” Doesn’t make sense. The term “good coffee” is an oxymoron of the highest order in my vocabulary.

Over the past several years, I’ve approached coffee with something of an open mind. During holiday get-togethers, I make it a point to have one cup of coffee. So that’s like, three or four cups a year. (three or four too many, if you ask me.) I continue with this experiment to give my family members a chance to chuckle as they watch me choke down the “tasty” beverage, while affording myself the opportunity to ask, “Whyyy do you people drink this stuff?”

How can a beverage with such a pleasing aroma during the brewing stage produce such a disgusting end result?

But now, I’ve got the most famous coffee shop just a short drive away, and I’m sure I’ll do some very thorough research into its lineup of beverages. While I’ll never approach the status of being a “regular” in their ordering lines, I’ve got to at least go exploring. Because they don’t serve just hot, liquid dirt. Oh, no.

We’ve all seen “Friends,” right? There’s the big oversized latté mug, and the tiny espresso mug and the extra-tall mug for…extra foam, or whatever. And Starbucks has its Frappucinos and its espressos, hot or iced, and its seasonal lattés of eggnog and gingerbread.

I get to learn which of their drinks have steamed milk and which have foamed milk, and some will have a double shot of this and…oh, boy, I’m in for an education, to be sure.

For the most part, I’m willing to try anything when it comes to food and drink, so I have no problem admitting that there will undoubtedly be something on their menu that I like. But it’ll have to be a pretty heavily flavored something, because the chances that you’ll hear me walking out of there with a regular coffee, uttering the phrase, “Mmm, that’s good coffee,” are about as good as ever hearing me say, “My, that Britney Spears is one smart girl.”

On Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I managed to have two cups of coffee in two days, probably a personal best for me. And while those coffees earned high praise from the regular coffee drinkers around the table, I still didn't get it. And I never will.

Easter's the next time I'll force myself to choke down a cup of coffee, and then I'm good through the spring and summer until Thanksgiving again. Lucky me.

Gimme a Diet Dew, a Diet 7-Up, a cup of tea (iced or otherwise) or just plain ol' H20 any day, thankyouverymuch.

“Fear is when you’re stuck in traffic
and you realize that you’ve had
two cups of coffee and a bran muffin.”
—John Mendoza


  1. I am in agreement on this one. Something just inherently wrong about drinking hot liquid...any hot liquid...I'm not saying, I'm just saying (and no, soup doesn't count, I use a spoon...).

    When I need a pick-me-up after a long night or before an early morning round there's nothing better than a mini Dew, nectar o'the gods.

  2. Oh my God! I have brothers! I thought I was the only one!

    Coffee sucks! Hot beverages suck!

    A few years ago, our government labeled coffee as a drug. Not the caffeine mind you, but actual coffee. No thanks! That is one vice I do not need.

    Over the years, I have had a sip or two of some of these new-fangled "expressos" or mocha-this-or-that. "Try it, it's good. It's chocolate." So I try it. There's a bit of chocolate, to be sure. But then when the chocolate disappears, you're left with the bitter after taste of COFFEE!

    It's disgusting, and should be banned. We're a nation of drug addicts!

  3. I like coffee. Probably because I'm a mature, refined, wise adult.

    I'm going with that theory.

    I also like doughnuts...

    Probably an occupational thing...

  4. No wonder I don't like coffee!

    I don't ever want anyone referring to me as...



    I can't completely shun all hot beverages, though. Because I do like hot tea.

    (talk about refined, Brad. I feel like I should invite the Queen herself over every time I have a mug. she usually brings the crumpets.)

  5. Y'all need to be rounded up and put somewhere... you - you - you NON-COFFEE people you!

    Sorry but me n' my coffee have a really tender warm relationship. I need it and it needs me. I've clutched a cup of coffee at almost all key pivotal moments in my adult life. The arrival of my second child - - check those photos in one arm, coffee in the other (and i'm cradling each with equal gingerness and adoration...)

    See, I'm a self-possessed, pretentious writer. Worse yet, a writer of screenplays. It's a tough enough nut to crack, that industry...why doom myself more by not drinking coffee?

    And you can keep that whole F.D.A. coffee-labeled-as-drug crappola TRWalrus and jam it straight up your Mochalatte-less that rationale, I'd guess we'd best ban Robitussin and Vap-o-Rub? Great...I'll be coughing AND have a splitting caffine-detox headache, thanks a lot!

    Besides, TRWalrus, knowing you as long as I have, you've never exactly struck me as a D.E.A. Junior Agent, if you get my drift?

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  7. "you've never exactly struck me as a D.E.A. Junior Agent"

    You're using the classic argument tactic called "deflection." In other words, what you are saying is, "Yes, I know it's bad, and I'm bad for drinking it. But you're bad too, because you..."

    Apples to oranges. I could be the worst picture of health in the world. But it wouldn't change the fact that coffee is bad. Like I said, coffee is one vice I do not need.

    P.S. Aren't you the same fellow who has vowed to quit drinking the stuff several times over the years? Obviously you've failed, as you're addicted to the drug. But it begs the question... why have you tried to quit?

  8. Ggg, you nailed it again. As wonderful as coffee smells, especially in the morning, it tastes exactly like hot, steaming dirt. I've even tried creamer, sugar and all sorts of flavors. Great aromatherapy (unless it's on someone's breath-blech) but still dirt. Please pass the hot chocolate, extra marshmallows. And a mint.
    My Morgan does like herself a tall iced vanilla decaf frappa-something or other that tends to blow my budget for the whole week.

  9. Oh my. I'm in heaven with brethren!

  10. Meff and I are seeing eye to eye on more topics...

    I've "refound" a friend!

  11. Everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you. I know you are but what am I?


    that's deflection too...


    i suck...

    But even though I suck I know I'll live a better, brighter, more awake life than you because I have found the great java bean!

  12. Sounds like someone's a little jittery and edgy in defending his beverage of choice.

    Hmm...wonder if that's a side effect?

    No matter. You and your Java Joe friends are welcome here anytime, Meff. (if I may call you Meff.)

  13. Officer Brad, you ever make it to the Cedarburg area, you are most welcome at Rancho Meff-o. The coffee and doughnuts are on me. And I promise, THIS house ain't haunted.


    heh heh heh...

  14. Oh and in response to the inquiry of "why did I try to quit several times?"

    You're right.

    You've convinced me.

    I promise you and every single barrista in the Americas and abroad and every potential cup of coffee I may drink in the future, I WILL NEVER TRY AND QUIT AGAIN.

    There. Now I'm not a hypocrite anymore.