I Would Like To Thank The Academy

In the interest of not having the motivation to string several coherent paragraphs together that convey one common theme or idea or life lesson (because really, isn't this the first place you turn when looking for life lessons? thought so.), I give you bits and bytes of randomness from last night's Oscars:

• I realize that Jack Nicholson was in "The Departed," which won Best Picture, but doesn't it seem like even during a year in which he doesn't make a movie, he'd still get a reserved seat in the front row, center? He's like a fixture there. And what was up with him making Diane Keaton read all the nominees for the award they presented together? Was his vision a bit blurred, perhaps? Hmm.

• Joan Rivers had a Red Carpet Pre-Oscar special on the TV Guide channel, or whatever it's called, which I unfortunately caught a few minutes of as I was channel surfing. Will Smith was very gracious while being interviewed by her. (He gets extra-credit Oscar points for that.) If Joan has one more facelift, her ears are gonna touch. Someone should really tell her that her 15 Minutes were up twenty years ago.

• Ellen DeGeneres...rocks.

• Will Ferrell and Jack Black were hilarious in their song about why comedians like them are never noticed for an Oscar, and John C. Reilly (who was in "Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny" with Black, and "Talladega Nights" with Ferrell) joining in to tell them to broaden their acting horizons was a classic touch. Reilly was nominated for both a Golden Globe and an Oscar for his supporting role in "Chicago" in 2002.

• Al Gore looked about as comfortable as Al Gore can look as he schmoozed with the Hollywood A-Listers and shared in the Best Documentary Oscar for "An Inconvenient Truth."

• Speaking of which...the highlight of the night for me (I even gave it an audible "Yesss!" and a fist pump if I remember correctly) was when Melissa Etheridge won the Best Original Song Oscar for "I Want To Wake Up," which appeared in "An Inconvenient Truth." Etheridge performed an abridged version of the song during the show, and really put herself into it. Up against three different songs from "Dreamgirls," and a Randy Neuman/James Taylor song from "Cars," I figured her to be the underdog. Good for her. Great song.

• I will not rent "The Departed." I will buy "The Departed." (Nicholson, DiCaprio, Wahlberg, Damon, Baldwin, Sheen. How can you go wrong?)

• While Forest Whitaker deserved to win for Best Actor, from nearly everything I've read and heard, I really wanted to hear Will Smith's acceptance speech. Will Smith has more style than any one human being should be allowed to have.

• Other acceptance speeches I was hoping to hear were from Mark Wahlberg, and Meryl Streep. No matter the awards show, no matter the award, when Meryl Streep gets up to speak in front of a group like that, you just know you're gonna laugh. She's subtle and smart and ridiculously witty.

• You know that Oscar has some pull when he can get Jerry Seinfeld out from whatever rock he's been hiding under to present the award for...(wait for it)...Best Documentary. (with a few minutes of stand-up thrown in as a bonus.)

• You know how else you know? Francis Ford Coppola, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg all appeared on stage together to present Martin Scorsese with his (finally!) Best Director Oscar.

• Serious "Hubba! Hubba!"s go out to Reese Witherspoon and Portia de Rossi, and to Emily Blunt, whom I didn't know before the show began, but I certainly noticed during the show. She's Brih-ish, and gorgeous, and was in "The Devil Wears Prada."

And the fact that I can rattle off this many random Oscar notes and know that the show was only fifteen minutes shy of FOUR freakin' hours long proves that I spent way too much time on my couch last night in front of the TV. I'm so ashamed.

"Whoever invented the meeting must have

had Hollywood in mind. I think they should consider

giving Oscars for meetings: Best Meeting of the Year;

Best Supporting Meeting; Best Meeting Based On

Material From Another Meeting."

—William Goldman